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FBPNN: Federer victory literally heavenly

We’re proud today to bring you a story that confirms what our most loyal readers have long suspected – we have sources and connections at the highest levels. In our efforts to bring you the best fake but possible news, we decided to follow up on a rumour at the head honcho’s office – thats right folks, we’re talking about Heaven.

According to reliable sources, recent events on planet Earth have tested God’s patience with humanity. Particularly so the actions of a bunch of Nonsensical and Unprovable Theory Creators And Science Eradication Supporters (NUTCASES) who’re preaching to anyone who listens that God created every single organism on the planet in the blink of an eye through some process called “Intelligent Design”. Our well-informed readers, of course, know that God invented evolution to let species create themselves, which saved Him a considerable amount of work, not to mention gave him tens of millions of years of peaceful (human-free) existence – and He’s pretty proud of it. One can only imagine how the big chief must feel to have His intelligence insulted by an allegation of his supposed worshippers that the world and all its creatures were constructed as arbitrary doodles. This, combined with the actions of a class of people we call politicians (and the people who elect them) are causing a major rethink in upper circles as to whether free will should really be extended so far as to allow people to be so stupid.

To cut a long story short, God needed a break. And so He decided to get some invigorating fresh air, revitalizing exercise, and the satisfying pleasure anyone derives from thoroughly crushing an opponent. For reasons we can only guess at, a reliable source assures us that He chose to take over the form of Roger Federer during an Australian Open 2007 semi-final. Perhaps it was because there’s no other human who’s name is more synonymous with “Supreme Being”.

The demolition was clear enough for all to see. While to the average observer, Federer merely played the best game of his life, this tip from the top office makes it quite clear in retrospect that Roger was in fact divinely possessed. We all expected him to win, of course, but nobody expected the contest to be the equivalent of a Formula-1 race between Michael Schumacher and my grandmother. We’re pretty sure Andy Roddick is the number seven tennis player in the world holding a tennis racket, not a newborn babe with a fly-swatter. Careful analysis of the video tapes, we’re confident, will show that space-time (and other assorted dimensions) were being continually bent to the world number one’s advantage.

We came up with the obvious question – is Roger Federer aware of what went on during the match? He did refuse to talk about it much during the post-match talk and kept referring to his experience as “unreal”. The answer, leaked to us by the Department of Heavenland Security, was a categorical “no”. Apparently, the last time God revealed himself to someone about two thousand years ago, the chap insisted on trying to get everyone on earth to be nice to each other and told them what he had experienced. That led to the misled fellow being nailed to a cross among other unpleasantries, and divine revelation to humans has since been considered practically useless and rather bad form.

– FBPNN (the Fake But Possible News Network)